Pour Me Something Stronger
by CosmicBlueMoon
Summary: One year after Seth's betrayal, Dean is still trying to cope with his feelings.


He ordered his sixth, or seventh whiskey, he couldn't tell. All he could remember was Seth's face.

Dean was sitting on a stool bar, in a old and shitty pub somewhere in the depths of a city without name. He spent so much time on the roads, driving, or flying, from town to town, from state to state, he was no longer able to tell which part of america he was in.

These last twelve months has been a blur. His whole life was a blur since Seth's betrayal. Seth. The reason why he has been working, living, breathing on autopilot this last year.

He fidgeted his glass of bourbon, not paying attention to anyone in this crappy establishment. He was like he was totally out of his body, hearing everything like he was underwater.

He took a deep breath and held it inside, counting in his head. 3...4...5.. Maybe if he could hold it for long enough, he would faint. Faint into darkness and forget everything. Best case scenario, he would die and end his suffering.

He exhaled when a big hand circled his right wrist. From the corner of his eye, he could see those long jet black hair.

 _~~ Dean nuzzled Seth's cheek. Their fingers were tightly linked above Seth's head. Dean was kneeling on their bed, hovering over the naked body of his man, leaving a trail of kisses on the younger's neck._

 _Seth's limbs where tangled in the white sheets, his hair all over the place, and his cheeks flushed. He looked beautiful._

 _« Dean.. » His voice oozed sex. He looked at Dean right in the eyes while his free hand was drawing lazy patterns on the blonde's hips. « I love you Dean.. » ~_

 _ **Pour me something stronger  
Pour me something straight  
All these crooked voices, make them go away**_

Roman sat beside him. He gestured to the bartender, to order the same drink . Roman's thumb caressed the palm of dean's hand. A silent message. A little thing saying « i'm here » « i'm never gonna let you down. »

They sipped their drinks not saying a word. Dean felt lighter and more at ease with the big man. He felt safe. They didn't need to talk. Roman didn't need to say anything to the other man to let him know he wasn't alone in this.

Country music in the background. Soft clatter of glasses against the counter. Roman felt powerless. His best friend, his brother was aching. He could see it, he could feel it in every look, every move, every word.

He couldn't do anything about it. He could just stay by his side. Holding him thight at night, praying that one day the other would wake up and leave every sad memories behind him.

 _ **I can still hear you say  
That you and I would both be better off this way  
These things that I run to  
What I put my heart through**_

 _~~The bedroom bathed in the city lights of Chicago. The white silk curtains were waving around the window sill. « You're..Leaving ? » Dean watched Seth put all his clothes in his suitcase. « I can't do this anymore Dean. »_

 _Seth sighed, taking one long look at his lover. His eyes were full of regrets. Tonight they would have their big win at Payback. And after that, Seth would turn on them. « I can't stay with you knowing what I'm about to do. » Dean was livid. His stomach churned violently. « Forgive me..»_

 _Their lips collided on last time, hands tangled in strands of hair, closed eyes. One last kiss. Seth was leaving him. ~_

 _ **Pour me something stronger  
Pour me something dark  
Pour it up so high, til I can't feel my heart**_

Last round of bourbons. Roman put a few dollar bills on the counter and Dean took the last long gulp of the strong whiskey, burning in his throat and spreading warmth all over his body. He got up, reeling, feeling the buzz of the alcohol.

The night was hot but a light breeze hit his face, it felt good. Roman was a few feets before him, getting to his car, when dean stopped dead in his tracks.

He felt so much pressure in his chest, like he was about to explode. He tried to take a deep breath but it was like he was drowning. He managed to call his best friend. « Ro..Roman.. » his own hands gripping at his neck, his breath shattered. His head was pounding.

Roman tuned around and saw Dean struggling, trembling. _Roman.._ Dean silently called his brother for help. Roman quickly made his way back to him and held him tight in his arms. He knew what was happening. Dean was finally going to let it all out.

Roman cradled Dean's head to his chest and caressed his messy hair. « It's all right.. » He kissed his temple. Once. Twice. « It's all right, let it all go. »

For the first time in four years, Dean felt his cheeks being wetted by tears. He hadn't cried since his mother died. Not once. Not when Seth ended their relationship two hours before Payback. Not when Seth betrayed them the next day.

He felt good. All he could feel right now was relief. He breathed. Clinging to Roman, fingers gripping, digging into those broad shoulders like it was the last thing he had. And yeah, that was what Roman was to him.

His last rope to the real world. _His last hope_.

 _ **I can barely stand up  
I can hardly breathe  
Pour me something stronger than me**_

* * *

A/N :

Hi ! Thanks for reading ! I've been inspired by the lyrics of the song « Stronger than Me » performed by Connie Britton for the TV show «Nashville ».  
This song makes me so sad. I couldn't help thinking about Ambrollins, and I wanted to write something for the 1 year of Shield separation. Hope you all enjoyed ! Let me know what you think :)


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